Part II: The Love Languages

Giving back massages is good metaphor for love languages. Most folk deliver the “amount of pressure” during a massage in proportion to the amount of pressure they like to receive. If you have a large frame, the pressure you like to receive is likely to be painful on someone who is smaller. A good massage is always determined by the response of the recipient.

The needed actions for communicating love are similar. One person who was an extreme extrovert, threw a “living loud” surprise 40th birthday party for her husband. He was much more reserved and introverted. Imagine his reaction, when he entered his home to a crowded room full of friends shouting “SURPRISE!” He was able to smile his way through the evening. Yet, his wife felt disappointed by his muted response to her efforts. His idea of the correct “amount of pressure” was a quieter evening with a few friends.

Gary Chapman’s book identifies five languages of love (The Five Love Languages: How To Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate). He writes about the actions couples can take to meet each other’s emotional needs. Here is a brief outline of his five love languages that lead to re-igniting a relationship of excitement and desire.

1. Words of Affirmation - Verbal compliments, or words of appreciation.
2. Quality Time - is about needing and wanting attention, giving undivided attention and focus to your partner.
3. Receiving Gifts - A gift is something you can hold in your hand and say, “Look, he was thinking of me” or “She remembered me.” Gifts are visual symbols of love.
4. Acts of Service - doing things you know your spouse would like you to do. You seek to please him/her by serving and expressing your love by doing things for them.
5. Physical Touch - is a powerful vehicle for communicating love. Holding hands, kissing, embracing, and sexual intercourse are all ways of communicating emotional love to one’s partner.

Reflect on our preference. Usually our primary language is discovered in looking at our most frequent manner of expressing affection to our partner. On the flip side, also look at what it is you most frequently request from your partner (affirmation, time, gifts, doing things or touch). Determine your partners preferred language by asking the same questions but in reverse.

Check in with each other and find out if you are both on the same page. Then make a commitment to focus on increasing the acts of affection for your partner’s primary preference. Do something each day for one week and see how it changes the “feel” of the relationship. Does it shift your perceptions and attitudes? Your partners?

Like the fuel gage on your car, using the love languages is helpful for assessing your sense of connection. Are you both running on empty, low, medium or high? Is your partner’s perception different? By checking in with each other and making adjustments, you can avoid running on fumes and supply the needed amount of affection.

There is a time when outside assistance is needed. Couples Therapy is helpful for partners that have been running on empty or low for an extended period of time. Some couples come to therapy to prevent deeper problems. Others come when they are stuck and feeling helpless to move their sense of connection and love forward.

"PASS THE DAMN SALT!"

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There is the story of the little girl who was the only child at the Christmas dinner table full of adults. All of a sudden, she blurts out "pass the damn salt!" You can image that this got a swift and quick response from mom, dad plus looks of disapproval from aunts, uncles and grandparents (although I am sure there was at least one adult stifling their laughter). She was quickly taken from the table, reprimanded and put in time out. Only later that evening did they realized the recorder had been left on and captured the table talk. The little girl could be heard politely asking for the salt ten times before she blurted out, "Pass the Damn Salt!"

Listening and effective communication becomes even more central as we navigate multiple expectations during this time of year. This season of serial holidays creates opportunities for joy, fun and play. But unfulfilled expectations quite often enter the mix.

Communication happens on a playing field that includes much more than the content of our words. Many of you have probably witnessed a person saying they are not angry as they stand across from you with their jaw and fists clenched.

• Who hasn't shown up for a party on time only to discover that the stated time really means things don't get going for another hour and a half!

• Have you ever communicated with the intention of getting closer to someone only to be rebuffed for being too smothering?

• Maybe you made a suggestion to change up the holiday tradition and bumped into, "that's not the way we do things around here!"

In my early training as a therapist, I encountered the concept of Communication Domains at The Kantor Family Institute (Kantor and Lehr “Inside The Family). They researched healthy families and concluded that the goal of all interactions could be categorized within three areas of Power/Action, Connection and Meaning.

Three Different Goals of Communication and Interaction

Meaning (Head) – communication seeks to deal with issues of identity and provide a framework for understanding reality. The playing field is thought, beliefs, values, vision and purpose. Jesus statement in his Sermon on the Mount “You are the salt of the earth…” is a statement to his audience about their identity, value and purpose. As a child, whenever I heard my father say "that is not how the Carpenter's behave," (not only did I know I was in trouble) but it was also a road map for our families values and identity.

Action (Power) – seeks movement and focuses on “how things get done.” It isn't necessarily about having power over someone (although it can be). Whenever folk are talking about who is going to do what, when is it going to happen and how will it done; the goal is about power and action.

When I started driving the family car at age 16, Dad had a rule that the driver was responsible for the car. That meant if a passenger left the door open when I was driving, I had to go back out and close the door. When I was a senior in High School, Dad drove us home after playing tennis. He parked the old Chrysler on the curb and we walked into the house together. Dad noticed I had left my car door open. "Greg, go shut your door. You left it open." Standing in front of the doorway, I looked down at the car way down at the bottom of the hill and then at my father and said, "Dad, you remember the rule? The driver is responsible for the car." He just looked and me - smiled and I went down to close the door. We both had a good laugh later at the exchange. Sometimes power and action gets communicated non verbally!

Connection (Heart) – the target of communication is to seek nurture, caring, belonging and intimacy. The playing field is around feelings, sensations, providing and receiving caring interactions. If you aren't familiar with Gary Chapman's Five Love Languages, I suggest you go over to this link and read my summary. Love Languages is ways we communicate our affection and love. click here for Love Languages

I think this can be hard for many folk. Asking directly for more connection, requires you to be vulnerable and risk rejection (which can trigger many past experienced of failed attempts).

In my own experience and as a therapist, I have observed that people have their own unique preference. They are usually more comfortable in one of the three domains over the others. This is also true for families and organizations. They each tend to have a preferred interaction domain.

Communication Domains is a helpful concept for understanding you own communication dynamics at work, home or within all relationship organizations. It is helpful for managing differences and conflict. When one person is targeting connection and the other is focused on getting things done (power) we have a "crossed purpose" communication. Recognizing that can make a big difference in creating a course correction in how you communicate.

My hope for you all is that in the mad rush to get stuff done, there is time to really listen, connect with loved ones and find deeper meaning in you traditions and rituals.

Many Blessings!

On Marriage & Committed Relationships

M. Scott Peck, psychiatrist and author of the “The Road Less Traveled,” writes that the “in love” experience should not be called love. He states that the “in love” experience is a temporary emotional high. Brain research suggests that the neurological chemical changes of feeling “in love” lasts for 6 – 8 months.

In my experience, the real work of love begins somewhere after the first six months to a year. Love born out of work and commitment has an emotional component and on good days can feel like an altered state of consciousness. Scott states that love unites reason and emotions. It involves an act of will, requires discipline, and recognizes the need for personal growth.

A Rabbi and I were discussing relationships. I asked him how long he had been married. He remarked, “Greg, I have been married and divorced and remarried at least 20 times!” And with a knowing smile, paused and stated, “…all to the same woman.” He still remains married after 35 years.

He reminds us that a loving marriage involves moments of flow/work, ecstasy/effort, bliss/consternation. Regardless of our maturity, each one of us still contains a small part that thinks a loving marriage should just flow and be driven by synchronicity 24/7. Most of us possess a wounded part that seeks to find a partner who will be our primary healer. But wisdom and maturity teaches us that we are our primary caretakers.

“Love Fusion” is when couples expect to effortlessly merge into a blissful state of need fulfillment during every waking moment. Most of you have felt the impact of bumping into disappointment and reality. At some point a partner will trigger old wounds and become the source of pain instead of pleasure. How a couple navigates through this new phase of “storming” will determine the depth of their intimacy. Love fusion is merely foreplay. It is not the real deal of intimate relationships. But it is a wonderful high and quite intoxicating!

Healthy marriages involve times of conflict, struggle, reason and choice. We each desire to be loved by someone who chooses us, helps us to feel visible in the world and sees something worth loving in the midst of our flaws and blemishes. This kind of love requires the energy of emotion, effort and discipline. Committed partnerships are crucibles that heat up and bring our “issues” to the surface. They are as Sex Therapist and author David Snarch likes to state, “…people growing machines.” Long term-committed relationships can have deep passion. Learning to walk along side each other without blame and confronting our fears is not a path for the faint of heart or for those who lack staying power. But the payoffs and rewards are high.

When couples come to me for counseling. They often arrive being experts at what is wrong with the other person. Rarely, are they as adept at understanding their own part in getting stuck. I start with the assumption that no one is to blame and everyone is responsible for the health of their relationship. My goal is to help couples find a road map that can lead to growth, health and intimacy.

Look for Part II: The Languages of Love