Relationships Matter II: The Negative Dance

When an internal alarm goes off and tells you that something is off  in your relationship, this is when you as a partner can step back and realize that your relationship might be caught up in an emotional gridlock (what I like to call “negative dances”).  These dances are a result of feeling abandoned or dominated by our partner.   Emotional gridlock is when the content can change with each fight and the defensive dance steps remain the same.  Most couples slip into one of these negative dances once in awhile, but when it becomes a persistence pattern that is easily triggered, emotional connection can disappear.

Dr. Sue Johnson, one of the primary developers of Emotional Focused Therapy for couples identifies three negative dances that she calls “Demon Dialogues” (author of Hold Me Tight and Love Sense).  These negative dances disrupt our sense of safety and connection, placing us in a protected defensive emotional state. 

1.     1. Find the Bad Guy
This is a dance of mutual blame and is a dead end pattern that keeps couples miles of apart.  It blocks re-engagement and the creation of a safe haven.  One partner may blame the other for creating a mountain out of a molehill and overreacting.  The other may respond by making an accusation that their partner is emotionally minimizing their feelings and turning a mountain of a problem into a molehill.  These patterns when kept up over time often morphs into the second negative dance, The Protest Polka.  The antidote is to realize that no one has to be the bad guy.  It is the negative dance that is the virus.

I often tell couples that my systems approach to counseling assumes that no one is to blame and that everyone is responsible for their relationship.  Your relationship is greater than the sum of your individual histories and personalities.  There is you, your partner and the interaction in your relationship.  It is your relationship dance or interaction that is the source of the problem.  Blaming only throws gas on the fire of conflict.

2.      2. The Protest Polka
  One researcher calls this the “demand-withdraw, criticize – defend” dance.  In the Protest Polka, one person is reacting to or protesting the perceived loss of a secure connection.  This criticism is often followed by your partner withdrawing and quietly protesting the implied criticism.  Each partner needs to see beyond the issues and view the whole dance.  Both partners need to recognize how the other’s moves pulls them into this dance.  This dance is about distress over the growing distance in the relationship.  It cannot be solved through more logic, emotional outburst, protests or avoidant behavior.

3.      3. The Freeze or Flee or Withdraw 
This dance of withdrawal usually follows the Protest Polka that has been going on for awhile.   Once the relationship begins to feel hopeless, the protesting partner gives up and put their emotions and needs in the deep freeze.  The avoidant/distancing partner is glad to experience a reduction in the attacks or criticisms.  Both partners are now sitting out the dance of their relationship.  They have left the intimate magnetic field of their relationship.  What is leftover is only numbness and distance.  They may look like a cooperative and polite couple at social events, but deep down the couple has lost any sense of intimacy.  The love relationship is over unless some intervention can reboot their connection.

Being able to hold onto and center your-self while observing these negative dances is an important first step towards building a stronger connection.  This requires learning how to calm your-self and effectively manage your emotions in the absence of feeling your partner’s connection.  But this isn’t about holding our breath!  It is about learning to advocate for those parts of us that are freaking out or shutting down without emotionally going from 0 to 60 mph in a split second.

Turning around these negative dances begins with knowing our own part in the dance. 

•       How do we create the traps that we are caught in?
•          Do we get anxious and pursue our partner with implied criticism?
•          Do we get angry and attack someone for their failure to engage? 
•          Do we go off line and fail to notice our partner’s distress or attempt to engage? 
•          Do we move through life emotionally numb, as if we don’t need anyone?

It is important to discover that our defenses are rooted in our attachment styles that were fostered in our childhood.  My next blog entry will review these attachment styles and the impact they have on our beliefs and significant relationships.

Relationships Matter

My early education about relationships was influenced by growing up in a small town on the Great Plains.  Life revolved around the interdependence between farmers, businesses, faith communities, public servants and public schools (and of course the public swimming pool).  This interdependence was never more evident than during the summer wheat harvest.  The heart of the community was deeply impacted by the abundance or scarcity of any particular harvest.

     

We had a town siren that would sound off to announce the arrival of noon or an approaching tornado.  This siren could be heard throughout the one square mile community.  The daily blast of the siren seemed to remind us that, “we are all in this together.”

At age five, my N. Webb St. tribe of friends were gathered next door at the Kohart’s, suddenly the wind picked up followed by the town siren.  We knew the drill and scattered for our homes (fortunately it wasn’t a tornado but one of the many big winds that flipped a few trailers and ripped down some trees).

 

Of course there were the constraints that come with being a small town (it wasn’t a utopia), but from an early age I learned about the significance of being a good neighbor and interdependence.  When the Kohart’s oldest son was seriously injured operating heavy machinery, the town rallied to help.  It seemed like entire community got together as they gathered on “Terry Kohart Day” to help raise funds to pay for the exorbitant medical bills.

My early experiences taught me about the importance of community, relationships and having significant others in our life.  It is a need that is “hard wired into our nervous system.”   As adults, we still have the same basic needs that we felt when we were children, the need for nurture, belonging, being cared for and safety.  It may look different as adults, but make no mistake we are hard wired to feel an emotional bond that is safe and reliable.  When that is missing, it is natural to experience an internal siren that tells us there is an emotional disconnection.

Dr. Sue Johnson, witnessed the importance of community and connection during her many hours at her parents pub in England.  In her book (which I highly recommend), “Hold Me Tight,” she writes,

“The need for safe emotional connection to a few loved ones is wired in by millions of years of evolution.  Distressed partners may use different words but they are always asking the same basic questions.

• ·       Are you there for me?
• ·       Do I matter to you?
• ·      Will you come when I need you, when I call?’

 She goes on to write, “The drama of love is all about this hunger for safe emotional connection, a survival imperative we experience form the cradle to the grave.  Loving connection is the only safety nature ever offers us.”

When our loving connections short circuits, we often become anxious or numb as a way to cope with this feeling of relational danger.  Couples that come for counseling are hearing that alarm go off “that something isn’t quite right or that something is dangerously threatening” their relationship.

 

My next post will identify three negative dances than can act like a virus in significant relationships.

"Finding Your Voice: Personal Empowerment and Self Acceptance Thru EFT"

Many years ago I was traveling from my home town in SW Kansas up to Denver Colorado with a one of my best friends from college. He struggled with singing, so we spent the several hours of the eight hour trip trying to teach him how to hear a note and and then match the frequency. I tried all sorts of techniques. He wasn't monotone, he just couldn't hear the right pitch. He wasn't tone deaf, but clearly tone challenged. Maybe if I had known how to use meridian tapping technqiues back then, we could have released his inner "James Taylor."

Even though he couldn't sing on key, he sang "Sweet Baby James" with all the gusto, enthusiasm and vitality that springs forth when you Find Your Voice! So for the last several hours of our ride to Denver, we sang up a storm of James Taylor tunes and created memories that are vivid even to this day.

I always liked the phrase "finding your voice." In many ways, it is the foundation of my work as a counselor. Some call it your solid self, divine image self, speaking your truth or being your authentic. In the end, it is a state of being that just feels resonant and congruent. It is a place of feeling centered, confident and connected, an open hearted way of being in the world. When we are not any of those things we feel disconnected, angry, depressed, anxious or defensive. Sometimes we don't feel anything that intense, we just feel stuck and out of tune.

I have put together a workshop to explore "Finding Your Voice: Personal Empowerment & Self Acceptance Through EFT." You will have a chance to learn how to idenfity obstacles and how to use tapping on acupoints to create personal empowerment and self acceptance.

If you looking for a teacher who has tapped away all his issues, look elsewhere, but if you are looking for someone who is also on the journey, then you might find my model of "Finding Your Voice" useful. It has helped me to make quantum leaps in finding my "pitch" over the last ten years.

If you feel out of sorts, disconnected or don't possess the level of empowement and centeredness that you desire, I believe this event will be helpful and equip you with easy to use tools that you can take along for the ride.

 

It will be held on Thursday April 14th at 6:30 - 8:30 pm at The Soul Purpose at 1225 GAR Highway, Swansea Ma. 

• Learn the Basic EFT Recipe and applications for reaching personal empowerment
• Chart your vibrational ladder and energy blocks
• Identify and eliminate obstacles
• Resolve limiting beliefs and release motivation
• Identify core fears and blocks that obstruct self acceptance

Cost is $35  To register call 774-264-1329 or email Jessica Kozac at the Soul Purpose angelicguidancereading@gmail.com

For those who can't attend the workshop, I conduct focused coaching sessions by Skype or phone to teach how to use EFT on empowerment issues.

EFT Practitioner Training Level 1

EFT Acupoints

Workshop: EFT Practitioner Training  - Part 1     

This workshop is for folk wanting to learn EFT and expand their tapping skills for personal growth.  It is also targeted for professional caregivers, clergy, healers, coaching, and therapists who want to learn an effective technique.  EFT is my “go to” tool in my psychotherapy practice.

 

For more information on Emotional Freedom Techniques and my tappinf video click here.

Date: Saturday, September 12th
Time: 10 - 3 pm
Cost: $95
Instructor: Greg Carpenter LMFT
Location: The Soul Purpose
1225 GAR Highway Swansea, Ma.

Workshop Description:

Learn how to use EFT and Meridian Tapping Techniques

*The Discovery Statement

*The Basic Recipe and Setup

*Being Specific

*Aspects

*Borrowing Benefits

*The Need for Persistence

*Demonstrations

*Tune In and Tap (no words tapping)

*Hands on Practice

Workshop Comments

"What a teacher! (OR WHAT A SKILLED INSTRUCTOR!) Greg's concise and humorous style made EFT instantly accessible and immediately useful. The experience we shared during the workshop was profound. We witnessed the healing powers of EFT and Greg made it a pleasure to learn. Highly recommended. I'd do it again.

Christina Berard, RPh, MEd,

Mind-Body Therapist

Instructor's Comments

With 25 years of experience as a therapist, nothing has energized my practice like EFT over the past ten years. I have been working with groups and leading workshops for over thirty years. You will receive valued content, experiential learning and energy from our time together! My goal is for you to experience that "aha!" moment when EFT works in a very deep way. This class will be fun, profound and an opportunity to master personal use and to begin to learn how to use EFT with others. Feel free to contact me for more information.

peace,

Greg