Shorter Days

Most folk don't realize how much the decreasing sunlight can effect mood, energy levels and even memory. You don't have to be diagnosed with full blown Seasonal Affective Disorder to feel the effects of less sunlight. Sometimes folk who are borderline SAD can experience more symptoms during times of high stress, grief or anxiety. The current economic uncertainties can provide a context that triggers a higher number of symptoms.

Check out my article on SAD's "The Winter Blues" Nov. 2007 for more information and web links. Many symptoms manifest and act as a "yellow caution light" long before folk actually begin to feel depressed or experience intense periods of sadness.

Here is a review of the SAD symptoms.

• Sleep problems
• Overeating
• Family / social problems
• Lethargy
• Physical symptoms
• Behavioral problems

Light Therapy, exercise and both prescription and herbal anti-depressants have all provided relief for folk with varying degrees of symptoms.

Here is one link listed from my article in 2007.

http://www.nosad.org/

Part II: The Love Languages

Giving back massages is good metaphor for love languages. Most folk deliver the “amount of pressure” during a massage in proportion to the amount of pressure they like to receive. If you have a large frame, the pressure you like to receive is likely to be painful on someone who is smaller. A good massage is always determined by the response of the recipient.

The needed actions for communicating love are similar. One person who was an extreme extrovert, threw a “living loud” surprise 40th birthday party for her husband. He was much more reserved and introverted. Imagine his reaction, when he entered his home to a crowded room full of friends shouting “SURPRISE!” He was able to smile his way through the evening. Yet, his wife felt disappointed by his muted response to her efforts. His idea of the correct “amount of pressure” was a quieter evening with a few friends.

Gary Chapman’s book identifies five languages of love (The Five Love Languages: How To Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate). He writes about the actions couples can take to meet each other’s emotional needs. Here is a brief outline of his five love languages that lead to re-igniting a relationship of excitement and desire.

1. Words of Affirmation - Verbal compliments, or words of appreciation.
2. Quality Time - is about needing and wanting attention, giving undivided attention and focus to your partner.
3. Receiving Gifts - A gift is something you can hold in your hand and say, “Look, he was thinking of me” or “She remembered me.” Gifts are visual symbols of love.
4. Acts of Service - doing things you know your spouse would like you to do. You seek to please him/her by serving and expressing your love by doing things for them.
5. Physical Touch - is a powerful vehicle for communicating love. Holding hands, kissing, embracing, and sexual intercourse are all ways of communicating emotional love to one’s partner.

Reflect on our preference. Usually our primary language is discovered in looking at our most frequent manner of expressing affection to our partner. On the flip side, also look at what it is you most frequently request from your partner (affirmation, time, gifts, doing things or touch). Determine your partners preferred language by asking the same questions but in reverse.

Check in with each other and find out if you are both on the same page. Then make a commitment to focus on increasing the acts of affection for your partner’s primary preference. Do something each day for one week and see how it changes the “feel” of the relationship. Does it shift your perceptions and attitudes? Your partners?

Like the fuel gage on your car, using the love languages is helpful for assessing your sense of connection. Are you both running on empty, low, medium or high? Is your partner’s perception different? By checking in with each other and making adjustments, you can avoid running on fumes and supply the needed amount of affection.

There is a time when outside assistance is needed. Couples Therapy is helpful for partners that have been running on empty or low for an extended period of time. Some couples come to therapy to prevent deeper problems. Others come when they are stuck and feeling helpless to move their sense of connection and love forward.

On Marriage & Committed Relationships

M. Scott Peck, psychiatrist and author of the “The Road Less Traveled,” writes that the “in love” experience should not be called love. He states that the “in love” experience is a temporary emotional high. Brain research suggests that the neurological chemical changes of feeling “in love” lasts for 6 – 8 months.

In my experience, the real work of love begins somewhere after the first six months to a year. Love born out of work and commitment has an emotional component and on good days can feel like an altered state of consciousness. Scott states that love unites reason and emotions. It involves an act of will, requires discipline, and recognizes the need for personal growth.

A Rabbi and I were discussing relationships. I asked him how long he had been married. He remarked, “Greg, I have been married and divorced and remarried at least 20 times!” And with a knowing smile, paused and stated, “…all to the same woman.” He still remains married after 35 years.

He reminds us that a loving marriage involves moments of flow/work, ecstasy/effort, bliss/consternation. Regardless of our maturity, each one of us still contains a small part that thinks a loving marriage should just flow and be driven by synchronicity 24/7. Most of us possess a wounded part that seeks to find a partner who will be our primary healer. But wisdom and maturity teaches us that we are our primary caretakers.

“Love Fusion” is when couples expect to effortlessly merge into a blissful state of need fulfillment during every waking moment. Most of you have felt the impact of bumping into disappointment and reality. At some point a partner will trigger old wounds and become the source of pain instead of pleasure. How a couple navigates through this new phase of “storming” will determine the depth of their intimacy. Love fusion is merely foreplay. It is not the real deal of intimate relationships. But it is a wonderful high and quite intoxicating!

Healthy marriages involve times of conflict, struggle, reason and choice. We each desire to be loved by someone who chooses us, helps us to feel visible in the world and sees something worth loving in the midst of our flaws and blemishes. This kind of love requires the energy of emotion, effort and discipline. Committed partnerships are crucibles that heat up and bring our “issues” to the surface. They are as Sex Therapist and author David Snarch likes to state, “…people growing machines.” Long term-committed relationships can have deep passion. Learning to walk along side each other without blame and confronting our fears is not a path for the faint of heart or for those who lack staying power. But the payoffs and rewards are high.

When couples come to me for counseling. They often arrive being experts at what is wrong with the other person. Rarely, are they as adept at understanding their own part in getting stuck. I start with the assumption that no one is to blame and everyone is responsible for the health of their relationship. My goal is to help couples find a road map that can lead to growth, health and intimacy.

Look for Part II: The Languages of Love

Catching Up!

This photo was taken on my Ferry ride from Martha's Vineyard enroute to Woods Hole, Ma. The setting sun, shadows on the sails and the cooler evening air is a reminder that autumn is around the corner. Soon a different rythm will emerge with the change of seasons and school buses will visit our streets once again.

Some folk have emailed or called saying, "where have you been….you haven't entered a blog all summer." It also seems I entered the "no-post zone" this summer.

Let me catch you up on upcoming workshops. This Monday I will be doing a Stress Busters workshop in Plymouth, Ma. focusing on easy to "learn and use" one minute "stress busters." So many of the stress management workshops I have attended in the past require changing jobs or a personality rewrite. This workshop is for those persons who aren't already type B personalities and need relaxation techniques that are easy to use.

This month I will also being doing a workshop on "Self Acceptance and EFT." Folk are going to engage in a 30 day trail of self acceptance using EFT to tap away negative beliefs, experiences and emotions. Results will be astounding.

My newest workshop is on "Healing Sounds: Your Mind On Music." I am excited to introduce folk to the healing power of sound and designer brain wave music that is "hard to believe" effective. This brainwave music can increase focus, performance, clear mental clutter, instill relaxation, clear negative emotions, and induce a mental state for deep learning and intuitive insight. See my Feb article "What's in Your Wallet?" for more information on healing sounds.

More on relationships in my next entry. Enjoy the rest of your summer! Take care and be well.