On Marriage & Committed Relationships

M. Scott Peck, psychiatrist and author of the “The Road Less Traveled,” writes that the “in love” experience should not be called love. He states that the “in love” experience is a temporary emotional high. Brain research suggests that the neurological chemical changes of feeling “in love” lasts for 6 – 8 months.

In my experience, the real work of love begins somewhere after the first six months to a year. Love born out of work and commitment has an emotional component and on good days can feel like an altered state of consciousness. Scott states that love unites reason and emotions. It involves an act of will, requires discipline, and recognizes the need for personal growth.

A Rabbi and I were discussing relationships. I asked him how long he had been married. He remarked, “Greg, I have been married and divorced and remarried at least 20 times!” And with a knowing smile, paused and stated, “…all to the same woman.” He still remains married after 35 years.

He reminds us that a loving marriage involves moments of flow/work, ecstasy/effort, bliss/consternation. Regardless of our maturity, each one of us still contains a small part that thinks a loving marriage should just flow and be driven by synchronicity 24/7. Most of us possess a wounded part that seeks to find a partner who will be our primary healer. But wisdom and maturity teaches us that we are our primary caretakers.

“Love Fusion” is when couples expect to effortlessly merge into a blissful state of need fulfillment during every waking moment. Most of you have felt the impact of bumping into disappointment and reality. At some point a partner will trigger old wounds and become the source of pain instead of pleasure. How a couple navigates through this new phase of “storming” will determine the depth of their intimacy. Love fusion is merely foreplay. It is not the real deal of intimate relationships. But it is a wonderful high and quite intoxicating!

Healthy marriages involve times of conflict, struggle, reason and choice. We each desire to be loved by someone who chooses us, helps us to feel visible in the world and sees something worth loving in the midst of our flaws and blemishes. This kind of love requires the energy of emotion, effort and discipline. Committed partnerships are crucibles that heat up and bring our “issues” to the surface. They are as Sex Therapist and author David Snarch likes to state, “…people growing machines.” Long term-committed relationships can have deep passion. Learning to walk along side each other without blame and confronting our fears is not a path for the faint of heart or for those who lack staying power. But the payoffs and rewards are high.

When couples come to me for counseling. They often arrive being experts at what is wrong with the other person. Rarely, are they as adept at understanding their own part in getting stuck. I start with the assumption that no one is to blame and everyone is responsible for the health of their relationship. My goal is to help couples find a road map that can lead to growth, health and intimacy.

Look for Part II: The Languages of Love

Catching Up!

This photo was taken on my Ferry ride from Martha's Vineyard enroute to Woods Hole, Ma. The setting sun, shadows on the sails and the cooler evening air is a reminder that autumn is around the corner. Soon a different rythm will emerge with the change of seasons and school buses will visit our streets once again.

Some folk have emailed or called saying, "where have you been….you haven't entered a blog all summer." It also seems I entered the "no-post zone" this summer.

Let me catch you up on upcoming workshops. This Monday I will be doing a Stress Busters workshop in Plymouth, Ma. focusing on easy to "learn and use" one minute "stress busters." So many of the stress management workshops I have attended in the past require changing jobs or a personality rewrite. This workshop is for those persons who aren't already type B personalities and need relaxation techniques that are easy to use.

This month I will also being doing a workshop on "Self Acceptance and EFT." Folk are going to engage in a 30 day trail of self acceptance using EFT to tap away negative beliefs, experiences and emotions. Results will be astounding.

My newest workshop is on "Healing Sounds: Your Mind On Music." I am excited to introduce folk to the healing power of sound and designer brain wave music that is "hard to believe" effective. This brainwave music can increase focus, performance, clear mental clutter, instill relaxation, clear negative emotions, and induce a mental state for deep learning and intuitive insight. See my Feb article "What's in Your Wallet?" for more information on healing sounds.

More on relationships in my next entry. Enjoy the rest of your summer! Take care and be well.

Tree Top Bliss

Eyeing the pine tree behind my friend’s home, it became clear it was time to get a new perspective, literally. So, I begin my climb to the top. All “tree climbers” (yes, there is a national association of tree climbers) understand that certain pine trees provide great opportunities for reaching new heights. As I grabbed for the first branch on this tree, my friends Kent and Sue began to question if fearlessness was a form of foolishness. Ascending the tree, I moved upward carefully checking to see if each branch would hold my weight (falling is not an option). Climbing upward over the equivalent of several stories, I finally reached the treetop. Once at the top, I delicately pulled myself above the treetop to gain an unobstructed view (not an easy feet in the tree smothered landscape of Massachusetts). Once on top, there was not a tree or building blocking my view of the horizon. I just sat in my delicately balanced position and breathed in the rush of adrenalin, awe and breathtaking beauty of the East Bridgewater “skyline.”

My tree top bliss was interrupted by the voices of my friends urging me back down. Climbing down is always more difficult than going up. But with both feet back on the ground, I could still feel the rush of energy and excitement.

Carl Jung, a well known scholar in the field of psychology and religious experience states that each one of us has a soul that longs and urges us in various was to become the “wholeness embedded within us.” My belief is that we are all created in the divine image with purpose and possibilities. When we get caught up in our endless “to do” lists we get over focused on limitations, and lose perspective on possibilities.

Climbing to new heights always puts me in touch with something beyond myself. This different perspective of looking down on the world creates a shift that engages my imagination and shifts my viewing of the world.

Not everyone needs to climb a tree to make a shift. But when we get stuck in our perceptions or actions, shifting our “viewing” or “doing” can create positive changes. In the land of making change, sometimes a little results in a lot.

"Change Your Brain!"

Have you ever had that experience of driving yourself crazy looking for something that you have misplaced? One time when my mind was overstressed from a lengthy “to do” list, I found myself frantically rushing around the house looking for my keys. As it became clear they were lost, I stopped to retrace my steps and located them in the refrigerator reclined against the bottle of Orange Juice.

Understanding how your brain works can help a wide range of behavioral issues that might not be considered “clinical” but are still annoying and sometimes difficult to manage. “Change Your Brain, Change Your Life,” by Daniel Amen is a book I highly recommend. It helps to get a handle on how your brain works and is full of self-help ideas for creating a more balanced brain (which translates into less lost keys).

Some folk need the support of therapy and meds to sustain a balanced brain. But for most of the population, folk experience more typical problems without realizing that their brain might be working against them. Most ongoing persistent behavioral problems have roots in a troubled or unbalanced brain. The good news is that this is a non-judgmental approach to self-care and personal growth. Knowing that your brain might be working against you is better news than believing that you are inherently a jerk, flawed or insensitive. Taking meds or supplements and/or learning behaviors that can create better brain balance is like putting on badly needed glasses after squinting your way through life. It is amazing how it can change your view of the world!

My new brain road map has helped me to create a customized toolbox of techniques for clearing my mind of unwanted stress. In previous blogs I have mentioned how tapping, and music can provide great stress relief. Simple changes in routine can also make a big difference. I now place my keys in the same container located in the same place every day when entering the house (almost everyday – I have “routine & structure issues”). That simple intervention has saved a lot of time and stress.

Below is a quick summary of Amen’s Five Different Brain systems.

Amen Brain System Quick Reference

Pre-frontal cortex - "The Supervisor" - guides focus, decision making, and planning. When under-active it can create a state of being restless, inattentive, easily distracted, terribly disorganized, and impulsive.

Self-help: create mental action step templates to create focus and to stay on track.

Better yet - listen to bio-lateral music to create focus when dealing with boring and tedious detail work (see previous blog).

Cingulate System - "The Gear Shifter" - helps in shifting between thoughts and behavior. When the CS is overactive it results in excessive worry, rigidity and over-focused anxiety.

Self Help: use distraction to derail rigidity and oppositional behavior.

Better yet - use the “Serenity Prayer” to acknowledge what you can and cannot control.

Deep Limbic System - "The Bonding Mechanism" - impacts bonding, motivation and mood control. Limbic hyperactivity has many of the symptoms of mild depression, including negativity, sadness, feelings of hopelessness, and an overabundance of automatic negative thoughts.

Self Help: identify automatic negative thoughts and talk back to them (Stop It!).

Better yet - go exercise and change your brain chemistry and mood.

Basil Ganglia - "The Idle Regulator" - impacts motor control and idle speed. When the BG is over active it increases anxiety, fear, panic and avoidance of conflict. When under-active it impacts fine motor control and the ability to concentrate and focus.

Self Help: try different relaxation exercises and meditation.

Better yet - get a copy of “Total Relaxation” by Kelly Howell and feel the rapid relaxing effects of alpha brain wave music.

Temporal Lobe - "The Inner Peace Regulator" - governs learning, memory, language and temper control. When the TL is out of balance, it can result in a struggle with memory, temper, irritability, and anxiety.

Self Help: moving, dancing and chanting are great ways to balance the temporal lobe.

Better yet - use the toning technique singing the some of the vowels sounds like “Ah,” “ou,” “ee” and “ay.” “Ee” and “Ay” help to release pain and anger (yes, this has been researched).

In my therapy practice, I give an “Amen Brain System Survey” to help folk map out their unique issues and strengths. For more information about Amen’s work, check out his website at http://www.amenclinics.com/

Sometimes medication is needed through a period of time to create balance when self-help behaviors are not enough. There is no shame in admitting the need for assistance in creating a more balanced brain and fulfilling life.