Dreams and Goals

Back in September I wrote about "Making Changes" referencing stages of change. With New Year just around the corner I have decided to share specific steps for creating goals as stepping stones for reaching your dreams. How many times have your created a New Years resolution which landed on the floor with a thud after a few weeks. New Years resolutions usually don’t work because they depend on sheer will power and lack a clear road map and support system for creating change.

Steve Wells is a psychologist from Australia who uses Emotional Freedom Techniques as a key tool for achieving and sustaining Peak Performance in business, sports, relationships and life (http://www.eftdownunder.com/). He suggests the following exercise as a way to generate goals and to gain insight into your levels of commitment. If you want to play along, complete the following statements with the first thoughts that come to your mind (brainstorming).

• “I wish………...”


• “I want ……….”


• “I plan to …….”


• “I will………….”


• “I am………….”

The above exercise takes you through the several layers of commitment involved with reaching your goal. Most of us struggle with the phase of taking and sustaining action (“I will”). Dr. Wells states, “goals are dreams with a deadline.” The following is an adaptation of information you can get from his website listed above. I have found his steps a helpful road map for setting a course of creating change and getting unstuck.

Step 1 to Peak Performance: Decide!
Decide to commit yourself to a high goal or ideal.

Step 2 to Peak Performance: Break through the Barriers.
Overcome your limiting ways of thinking about what is possible for you. Learn and use EFT to eliminate mental and emotional barriers.

Step 3 to Peak Performance: Goal Setting.
Set goals that will inspire you to reach for the best.

Step 4 to Peak Performance: Values Clarification
Make sure that you are climbing a ladder that is leaning against the right wall. Ensure that your goals will help you to achieve your most important values.

Step 5 to Peak Performance: Organized Planning.
Needed knowledge and preparation is what separates those who are committed from those who are only interested. Map out your chosen path. Identify role models and mentors and model their success.

Step 6 to Peak Performance: Commitment.
You must decide that you want this enough to take the next step and plan for it to happen. Real commitment though comes from the decision that you will do whatever it takes to make it happen.

Step 7 to Peak Performance: Consistent Action
Get started - Do the first thing first. Take action towards your goals - don't let another minute go by before you take a step, no matter how small. Then persist - This is the quality of true champions.

My Thoughts
In my experience it has been helpful to have a mentor, life coach, friend or therapist to help keep on track. Emotional Freedom Technique (see my Oct. entry on "Emotional Freedom") is an important tool for dealing with the emotional and mental blocks that emerge as you start to think about or make changes. I met with an Executive Coach for over a year when I shifted to self-employment and opened my therapy/consulting practice. The coaching process was helpful in identifying limiting beliefs and negative self talk. It helped to create a plan, to set goals and stay on track. Negative beliefs can create the largest obstacles to achieving your dreams. As I write this, it becomes apparent that it is time to engage in assessment and put to paper another "dreams and goals" road map. Maybe I will give Steve Wells a call :)

"Love Actually...."

Four years ago a movie was released entitled “Love Actually.” It is a Christmas romance comedy that interconnects twelve different love stories. The story reminds us that in spite of all the contradictory evidence, “love actually is all around us.” At the end of the movie many folk spontaneously clapped and cheered. What was all of the clapping about? Folk were celebrating that hope, good will and love won out in the end. People are looking for a message that hope is more enduring than despair and that mean spiritedness will eventually succumb to love.

My favorite scene at the end of the movie was the spontaneous proposal of the writer to the woman from Portugal. Catching his wife in the act of adultery, he moves to a self imposed exile over in Europe. While focused on the task of writing the final chapters of his book, he becomes enamored with his housemaid (a connection is made in spite of the language barrier). The evolving connection is severed when the writer returns to his homeland in the United States. We see him arriving on Christmas Eve, to be with his extended family. After stepping across the doorway, placing his gifts on the floor, he comes to himself and chooses (much to their protest) to fly across the world to propose to a woman who doesn’t speak his native tongue. Sometimes the heart communicates in ways that transcend spoken words.

During the movie I was caught up in the romance, hope and risk of “throwing all caution to the wind.” A day later, I was reflecting on the movie and knew there was a message within these stories that extends beyond the typical bromides of this season.

The end of the movie provided a kaleidoscope of images of everyday folk expressing affection, love to friends and family members. The message “love actually is all around us” is one of hope. Meister Eckhart, Christian mystic and author, stated that gratitude is the beginning of all conversions. Paradoxically when we become more grateful for the loving relationships’ that surrounds us, we actually increase the number of loving relationship in our life and world.

Solution / Possibility Oriented therapist frames being grateful in terms of “Noticing.” It is a simple activity of changing your view of the problem to a view of the desired solution or future. Instead of seeking deep-dish explanation for life’s problems’, choose to focus on what you want to attract and spend time counting (like the old math counters) or noticing when it begins to multiply (even the smallest of changes).

“Noticing” flows from the idea that we tend to create more of what we pay attention to in our lives (brain research indicates that we can become neurologically addicted to both our thoughts and feelings). If you want more love in your life, then dedicate yourself to focusing on and noticing the love that currently is around you. It is easier to state than to put into practice. Sometimes when obstacles show up we need a friend, or therapist to support us in the journey.

Spinning Your Wheels

Growing up in a small town offered plenty of back alleys and dirt roads. After a thunder- storm, some dirt roads would have a large pool of water at the bottom of a hill. It was always a thrill to drive through these “ponds” with my Dad’s ten year old 66 Chrysler. You could never be sure whether or not you were going to splash your way through the water, get stuck in the mud or flood out the engine.

At some point, everyone gets stuck. Then you get to learn the art of rocking your car back - n - forth to get unstuck. Life is a journey that offers moments of pleasure and times of feeling stuck. Like automobiles, there are tricks to getting unstuck in life.

Kenneth Halstead, Family Therapist and College Chaplain wrote a book on going from stuck to unstuck. He states that we must discern between “problems” and “difficulties.” Problems are solvable. They have a solution. Difficulties are something that people must live with and accept. Trying to solve a difficulty results in misdirected energy and increased frustration. Living with a problem that has a solution is tragic. Here are three ways we can get stuck and mired down.

• "Oversimplifying" - When folk try to deny a problem exists they turn a “mountain into a molehill.” Usually there are warning signs of distress of being stuck but they are ignored. Action steps are needed but fail to be engaged.


• "Isn’t It Terrible” - Trying to change a difficulty into a problem is in effect turning a “molehill into a mountain.” This level of “wheel spinning” results in taking action that is not necessary and makes life even more difficult.


• “Unintended Results” - Addressing problems at the wrong entry point provides unintended results. It is a failure to distinguish at what level the situation needs to be addressed (molehill, mountain or mountain range). Usually, beginning with the simplest solution and explanation is the most effective. Assuming a problem has “deep dish” causes and taking action at a level of major intervention can paradoxically make the problem worse.

A friend shared with me how stuck he felt regarding conflicts that would occur with his wife while driving together. What would normally be disagreements at home would lead to intense and painful arguments in the car. He couldn’t understand why the polarization occurred only in the context of the automobile. The simplest solution provided lasting results. After a few simple observations regarding power dynamics and emotional safety, he concluded not to discuss issues that could lead to an argument while driving together. A simple agreement on when and where to handle disagreements practically eliminated highly charged arguments.

The Winter Blues

Winter Blues, Winter Depression, February Blahs, Mid December Funk are all common references to what is described clinically as Seasonal Affective Depression. Some folk experience a milder version that is sometimes referred to as Subsyndromal Seasonal Affective Disorder (another way to say borderline). The symptoms are very similar to Major Depression. The difference is that the blues and depression are triggered by the decreasing sunlight beginning in the fall and ending by late spring (variance depends on your sensitivity and geographical location).

Warning: Possible "TMI" (To Much Information)
There is still some debate regarding root causes, but research seems to be leaning towards the impact of decreasing sunlight on the Pineal Gland in the brain. Melatonin and Serotonin balances get out of whack and result in the symptoms listed below. About 5 % of the populations have full-blown SAD. Another 14% has enough symptoms to be listed as borderline. Most folk are probably feel the effects as lower energy levels.

My symptoms can range from very mild to moderate. I have found the use of Light Therapy (what my friend Larry calls his “grow light”) to be very effective. Energy, mental focus and positive mood increase usually within five days of sitting in front of the Light Box.
One informational Web Site list the symptoms are as follows…

· Sleep problems - oversleeping but not refreshed, can't get out of bed, afternoon nap needed
· Overeating - carbohydrate craving leading to weight gain
· Depression, despair, misery, guilt, anxiety - normal tasks become frustratingly difficult
· Family / social problems - avoiding company, irritability, loss of libido, loss of feeling
· Lethargy - too tired to cope, everything an effort
· Physical symptoms - often joint pain or stomach problems, lowered resistance to infection
· Behavioral problems - especially in young people

Below are web sites that will provide you with more information than you probably need. The two therapy lights that I have purchased over the years can be found at Apollo Lights (http://www.apollolights.com/).

Web Links
http://www.webmd.com/depression/tc/seasonal-affective-disorder-sad-topic-overview
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/seasonal-affective-disorder/DS00195
http://www.lumie.com/help/quick-guides/sad
http://www.normanrosenthal.com/
http://www.nosad.org/