Part I
“In a
world of ‘Likes,’ ‘Followers,’ and ‘Friends,’ it’s difficult to discern who
belongs, how they want to connect, and what you can do to encourage belonging
to you. (Joseph R. Meyers author).” Today it is even a challenge to define
who is our neighbor, who are our people and where do I belong. The division and conflict between “tribes”
and ideologies has never been more apparent, as division over beliefs is
prioritized over belonging and community.
So, who
IS my neighbor? Is it that
anonymous person who sends me an email from some foreign land with the promise
of quick riches or is secretly seeking to get my PayPal password? Is it the
Bank Teller who manages to smile and say have a nice day when I am the 50th
person who has also forgotten to write an account number on their check. Is it
your several hundred friends listed on your Facebook page (for those who
partake) or other social media?
I ran across a book several years ago that
reframed how I looked at relationships.
For me, it transformed my thinking and perceptions in the world of
connection. Working as a pastor and
therapist at the time, I was biased toward close and personal
relationships. I took for granted the importance
of connecting with people in brief social contacts. During the year after my late wife died, I
sometimes didn’t know what to do with all this ‘alone’ time. On some weekends I would go for a hike and
meet a couple on the path that was walking their dog. I would say, “great looking dog.” That would lead to a three-minute connection
and pleasantries with someone I most likely would never see again. These connections are important. Positive connections in social space are
important to our emotional wellbeing.
In
today’s virtual world of connection and instant news, it can also feel like we
are bombarded with a type of connected yet disconnected world of everyone living
virtually next door. Joseph R. Myers, drawing on the work of anthropologist Edward
T. Hall, has shed some light about relationships, connection, and space (The
Search to Belong: Rethinking Intimacy, Community and Small Groups). He states
that our educational training may have prioritized meaning and believing over
belonging and connecting. I would add
that our American culture leans toward valuing doing (work) over being present
with each other. People more than ever are struggling to make connections and
report feeling isolated.
The
Washington Post reports, “While research on the benefits of social connections has
generally focused on the importance of “strong ties,” or the intimate
relationships we have with family and close friends, a growing body of research
is shedding light on the hidden benefits of casual acquaintances, too. Surprisingly,
these “weak ties” (that funny colleague, for example) can serve important
functions such as boosting physical and psychological health and buffering
against stress and loneliness, researchers have found.”
That isn’t to suggest
they take the place of stronger more intimate relationships. Those are also clearly very important. But it does give us pause to reflect on our
own relationship patterns and connections.
Consider
your own need for personal space or connection. If we place you on a bell
curve, some of you will come out on the 15 per cent who have a more
distant engagement style. You are
more reluctant to share personal information. Others of you will be on that
other end of the 15 percent who will have an “in close” engagement
style where you don’t feel like you are really connected unless you know a
person’s hope/dreams, what makes them tick and what is most important to
them. Most folk fall somewhere in the
middle. One style isn’t superior to the
other. They each have their strengths
and constraints.
Understanding
differences and perceptions is important in developing friendships and entering
new groups. What one person might
perceive as distant and aloof might be seen as respectful of boundaries and
privacy, by another. What someone might judge
as intrusive behavior without boundaries, could be described as friendly, warm,
and engaging by another. It all depends
on your relationship engagement preferences.
I would be curious to read in the comments your own preferences. I also would be interested in your experience
of social media. In my experience it is
a connected yet somewhat disconnected platform.
It certainly doesn’t replace face to face get togethers. Yet, the number
and variety of comments I received when I posted about my grief after Liz died
was extremely meaningful and supportive.
In Part II we will take a closer look at Myers four different spaces of belonging and connection and how they can help us evaluate our own preferences and relationship needs.
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