Relationship Problems vs. Difficulties

The other day my recently graduated from High School son and I were “discussing” the merits of working "full time vs. part time" through the summer. We were not exactly on the same page in terms of goals, outcomes and expectations for the summer before he goes off to college. He would state, “Dad, none of my friends work 40 hours a week through the summer! And where am I going to find full time summer work?” David's perception is situation = “difficulty that needs to be lived with.”

My perceptions differ significantly. Situation = "problem has a solution." My "father speak" sounds like a math teacher trying to get a student to apply the proper formula in order to get the correct answer. The result = emotional gridlock.

In family life failing to discern the difference between a "problem to be solved" and a "difficulty that needs to be managed" can lead to the destruction of relationships. Many conflicts emerge because folk are trying to cure something that needs to be managed. Preferring “order” to “spontaneity” isn’t something that needs to be fixed. Trying to get your partner to be more like you only leads to emotional gridlock. But these differences in partners need to be discussed and managed effectively. Ignoring differences can lead to conflict and emotional distance.

A Lutheran pastor and family therapist Kenneth A. Halstead writes in his book “From Stuck To Unstuck: Overcoming Congregational Impasse” about the important assessment of determining whether something is a problem to be solved or a difficulty to be lived with or managed. He draws from the Systemic thinking on family life.

• A "difficulty" is something we must accept and learn to live with or manage. It is a perpetual issue that never really evaporates, but needs to be addressed without looping and fighting.
• A "problem" is something that is solvable. Some people love Math because there are clear-cut solutions. Trying to treat your kids or partner like a Math equation usually does little for feeling connected.

Thoughts on Problems
By no means is the following list exhaustive of problems that need to be solved. But hopefully what is listed here will stimulate your own list...

• A partner’s infidelity is a problem to be solved. Lying and deceit are problems that have clear-cut solutions (stop it!).
• Addictions are problems to be solved (both for the person in relation to an active addict and for the addict that is in denial).
• Physical or emotional abuse needs clear bottom line solutions.

Difficulties or perpetual issues never really go away, they require a different response. Like living with Diabetes, there needs to be an ongoing monitoring, checking in and continual adjustment of behaviors and interactions. Like a change in diet, what you take in verbally and emotionally needs to be altered according to changing life cycles and current events. There are cycles in a relationship where differences are muted and create little stress. At key points they can become ingredients for a “perfect storm” (first year of marriage, first child, kids leaving home, etc.). The following is my list of differences or what perpetual issues (Gottman's term) that need to be lived with and managed effectively. They are listed as differences in personality preferences and beliefs.

Perpetual Issues

• Order vs. Unstructured
• Feelings vs. Logic
• Personal Space vs. Togetherness
• Emotional Intimacy & Sex
• Financial: Saving vs. Spending
• Family Ties: Distance vs. Closeness
• Chores: Structured vs. Bursts of Inspiration
• Parenting: Self Esteem vs. Consequences
• Orientation to Time: Punctuality vs. In the Moment
• Social vs. “Homebody”
• Secular vs. Spirituality vs. Organized Religion
• Ambition: Driven vs. Contentment
• Adventure vs. Stability
• Other Issues

Understanding whether you are dealing with a problem to be solved or a difficulty that needs greater communication and management is critical to avoiding increasing distance and dissatisfaction in relationships. Managing and communicating about differences and ongoing differences creates greater connection and relational health. Many couples have expressed that life together would have been easier and more fulfilling if they had come in earlier for assistance. If you are encountering serious problems without discovering mutually satisfying solutions, it may be time to get help from a couple’s therapist. If you find you have several ongoing differences or perpetual issues that are creating patterns of conflict, seek outside support.

The Basic Emotional Freedom Technique Recipe

If you heard Danny Gokey sing during rock week on American Idol, you heard and felt his vibrations as he sang Aerosmith's "Dream On." Vibrations with the correct alignment would be called singing. Vocalizations that are out of alignment get bad reviews. His last note was not in alignment, it sounded more like a disharmonious scream.

Vibrations are another way to talk about our emotional state, sensations in the body ("in the pit of my stomach") thoughts and perceptions.

Your vibration represents your current emotion or the “level” of your mood and feeling about any matter or event. What is great about the way our brain is designed (what Dr. Daniel Amen calls the "hardware of our soul") is that we can create the emotional state or vibration we desire. We can choose our emotional frequency and what we place at the center of our focus.

You can even shift your perceptions and "mental vibration" when stressed by asking a simple question like, "What is great about this?"
Fundamentally, what is most important in our life isn't what happens to us, but how we choose to react to life's events. That doesn't mean what happens is insignificant, but it does mean that in the end external events do not have to ultimately define us.

I have found EFT the easiest and quickest way to change your emotional state, clear out self doubt and to erase bodily tension. The EFT recipe helps you to acknowledge what you are feeling and then move to a place where you can release it. In the Letter to Galatians the characteristics of a higher or spiritual self are described in chapter 5:22. "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness..." NIV

While anger, sadness, guilt, wrath, jealousy etc. are all legitimate and normal emotional reactions. When we linger on these feelings, we see the world differently. It is our perceptions that determines our actions which in the end will determine our destiny. In just two weeks of experiencing increased guilt, sadness, lethargy, anxiety and irritability, biochemical changes take place in the brain that lead to a mild or moderate depression. Just TWO WEEKS!

The world literally looks brighter when you are more appreciative and in alignment with your life's purpose. Mental and emotional states have a strong impact on our cellular systems.

Play along with me and try a little experiment. Visualize and set a deep sense of something positive in your life - it could be watching a sunset or embracing a loved one (or if you are like my friend Terry Wilson - it would be out to sea on his boat). Now swallow, yes I did say swallow. Notice the level of effort it took to swallow. Did it feel easy to accomplish or difficult? Now think of something negative or even focus on a visual image of the word "hate." Now swallow once again. Notice the level of difficulty.

For most of you, unless you are currently stressed or out of sorts, focusing on something negative made it more difficult to swallow. Anyone who has been anxious giving a speech for the first time can relate to this exercise. This little exercise reveals the impact the mind has on the body. Over time thoughts do become things in the form of stress related illness.

Tapping on acupuncture points while focusing on what is bother you is also effective for eliminating fears and limiting beliefs.

So here is the basic instructions..... If you have questions, successes or challenges let me know!

1. Tune into feeling or issue.

2. Rate intensity on scale of 1 to 10 Ex. "5 represent an increasing discomfort but can handle it"

3. Setup: Tap Karate Chop point and say 3 times, "Even though I am really or have this ____(hurt, angry, outraged, "beside myself" etc.) I deeply love and accept myself" or fully accept the love of God. Some folk with a sense of spiritual journey find the latter affirmation more effective.

The Sequence

Say "this _______ (anger, hurt, debt, guilt, grief etc.) and repeat as you tap on each of the following points listed below (except where noted can tap with end of index and middle finger.(For example while tapping on each of the points listed below, "This "financial stress," or "parenting stress.") If you are really tuned into the emotion you can sometimes get the same results by just tapping on the point without the target phrases.


*Tap 7 - 10 times at each point described below

*top of head with open palm
*eye brow EB
*side of your eye SE
*under you eye UE
*under nose UN
*under lower lip UL
*collar bone point (where the neck meets the notch in your collar bone) tap with open palm
*four inches under your arm pit, tap with your open palm.

Take deep breath and notice change in body sensations, feelings or thought.

If 1 or zero stop.

If 2 or higher repeat the Tapping Sequence saying "this remaining problem ________."

Persist until reaching zero or an acceptable level of distress.

Summary
Signs that it is working can be a flush of energy moving through your body, sighing, and a sense of release. For some folk the experience is gentle and others may experience a flood of emotional release. View the Veteran's video for EFT on this site and witness visible shifts. My recommendation for treating childhood trauma is to see a qualified EFT practitioner instead of attempting self treatment.

For a video demo click on the following link My EFT Demo Video

(Disclaimer: These EFT oriented products are provided as a good faith effort to expand the use of EFT in the world. They represent the ideas of EFT Practitioner Greg Carpenter and do not necessarily represent those of EFT Founder Gary Craig or EFT. While EFT has been used by thousands of therapists, nurses, social workers, psychologists, doctors, and individuals worldwide with exceptional results and minimal negative side effects, this does not mean that you will not experience any side effects. If you use EFT on yourself or others, you are advised to take full responsibility for yourself and the treatment.)

Relationships, Emotional Floods & Tapping

If you are in an intimate relationship you have experienced a moment of "emotional flooding."

Emotional flooding (defined by one researcher as a heart rate over 100 beats per minute) greatly reduces your ability to be present and communicate effectively. It is important to have in your "tool box" a variety of methods for reducing your reactivity when triggered.

Often when I process a moment of emotional flooding through my favorite method and tap on select acupressure points, I get to an underlying memory or negative belief that is fueling my strong reactions. Within a few rounds I can get back to a calmer and less reactive state.

I often tell my clients that a healthy relationship is defined by only one person going crazy at a time. When two shadows are in the room together problems escalate rapidly. Healthier couples seem to understand instinctively that there is only room for one person to "loose it" at a time. They are able to "bystand" their own reactions and make choices about when and how to respond.

I have listed a few "mental rebooting techniques on my website www.energizingthejourney.com

You will find a few of the methods I teach my clients listed under the tab "Mental Rebooting Techniques."

Relationships and Getting Stuck

Recently old friends from High School tracked me down and invited me to enter into the 21st Century by getting on Facebook. So with some hesitation, I entered into the virtual class reunion experience. In this virtual social space persons lead with their best sense of self (putting their “best foot forward”). It is interesting how contact with folk from your teenage years can awaken “parts or aspects of yourself” that seemed to have disappeared or gone to sleep. Along with our sense of a “best self,” we each possess a “shadow self” full of painful experiences and personal shortcomings.

That is what David Kantor is describing by naming “Gender Types.” These “types are the stories we assert of who we are or want to be as we make our way through society. In his book, “My Lover, Myself: Self Discovery Through Relationships” he writes about mate selection and the journey of marriage.

But I think his types apply to all relationship systems (online or otherwise). The three types are: the Fixer, Survivor and Protector. They are descriptions of the best selves we use to attract people to us. Most of us have one dominant type. But we need the flexibility to draw from all three types to negotiate the developmental mile markers of committed relationships.

These three heroic modes determine our non – thinking/automatic reactions to events. They also shape how we cope with anxiety and function to feel safe in the world. Author, researcher and therapist, David Kantor states that each type has an embedded shadow side that whispers feelings of unlovability and inadequacy. The shadow holds all of our biases, doubts and fears that we project onto people in situations we do not understand. When we are in our shadow selves, we have bumped into painful moments and memories of a perfect love that is beyond our grasp.

1. The Survivor’s bumper sticker is “I endure and overcome.” They carry their pain as if it didn’t exist. They like to feel invulnerable. Survivors are great in a crisis - they have the ability to carry on and adapt to circumstances. Survivors tend to toward the adage of “let sleeping dog’s lie.”

In their shadow, the Survivor goes completely underground. The deepest aspect of their shadow reveals the abandonment of their own self and others. They also abandon their partners when their expression of pain causes them to enter into their own hurt and vulnerability.

2. The Fixer’s bumper sticker is “I will solve the problems and rescue you.” Fixers want to make things all right for themselves and those they love (their vision may extend to the larger world as well). They tend to feel competent to fix whatever is thrown their way. The Fixer makes their loved ones feel safe and protected, because they will see what needs to be done, design a solution, and then follow through.

They respond with power when they descend into their shadow. They focus outwardly and attempt to overcome or conquer elements that they perceive to be the cause of being denied appreciation and love. Sometimes they cross the line from constructive problem solving, to rearranging a situation or a person’s life just to satisfy their need to have something to fix. They feel loved and loving, desired and desiring, when they are changing their environment.

3. The Protector’s bumper sticker is “I will not stand by idly,” experiencing my own suffering, or yours, and pretend it doesn’t exist. The Protector is far more willing to admit personal limits and say, “I cannot go on.” One of their greatest gifts is to identify areas of pain within themselves and others. They are guardians of the heart.

In their shadow, they can become the self-pitying victims. Effort seems pointless. As the shadow deepens, they perceive only weakness and sorrow. They fail to perceive the strength in themselves and others. Deeper into their shadow, the Protector becomes a powerless victim, too weak to overcome oppression. Deeper yet, they become the victim/accuser. Stuck in their status as victim, they can only rail against the injustices of the world. They become vigilant for any evidence of wrongdoing, and so see wrongdoing in many of their partners actions.

To discover your Gender Myth or Type, consider the stories that you tell from your childhood, adolescence and young adulthood. Discuss these types with friends and partners to discover what they perceive to be true.

Are they clustered around…

*your ability to create change or solve problems (fixer)
*do they center in on your ability to endure adversities and difficulties (survivor)
*do you take pride in “being there for folk” and responding to their feelings (protector)

Ideally, we need to be in touch with all three heroic modes within ourselves. To neglect one or another is to divorce our selves from an essential part of our being. However, most of us can tell our primary type by reflecting on what happens when we get stuck and when our issues get triggered.

The automatic response when in the relational storm is often very predictable.

In the shadow…

*Fixers – get more controlling
*Survivors – distance
*Protectors – feel more powerless and victimized

"The Ritual Impasse"

Understanding how you get stuck in significant relationships is important because your shadow stance of becoming more controlling, distancing and feeling more powerless is all about avoiding the earlier pains of life. The shadow seeks to avoid deeper issues that create a state of painful vulnerability. These painful memories cluster around moments of failing to experience the all consuming and perfect love of early childhood. It is these exiled memories and wounds that appear and deepen what Kantor calls the ritual impasse that all relationships experience.

Most couples experience cycles of getting stuck. The depth is often connected to the degree of pain experienced early in life. Another contributing factor is the length and number of disconnecting interactions that occur without the experience of repairing communication. Avoiding that pain in intimate and committed relationships usually deadens the feeling of connection experienced at the beginning. Over time, the dance of connection/disconnection results in greater patterns of stuck behavior (control-frustration, distance-abandonment and victim-powerlessness).

Learning how to talk about your conflicts without harming the relationship and slipping into the shadow behaviors is important for building intimacy and connection. Constant patterns of hostility, condescension, criticism, defensiveness and persistent distancing are signs that your relationship is at a critical point in its need for repair.

Make a commitment to communicate regularly and observe your sense of connection and intimacy. Being committed to staying together isn’t enough. Being committed to growing together through the conflicts is the pivotal decision.