Tuesday, October 20, 2009

"Time Types and Attitude"


A couple of weeks ago I was out kayaking with my friend David. We put in at the rest stop/boat ramp between exit 20 & 21 on Rt. 195 near Wareham, Ma. It was Thursday, so there was little competition with other boaters. The weather was perfect and the tide was with us going out and on our way back. We went up the river that emptied out into Buzzards Bay.

My friend David is the perfect kayaking buddy because his approach to time results in little chance of feeling rushed. We paddled lazily out to the Bay and enjoyed watching the Osprey make like “dive bombers” as they wildly crashed into the water looking for their next catch of the day. It was eight miles of bliss, serenity and being in the moment. During our time together with nature and saltwater we were in a state of “no worries.”

Stanford University psychology professor emeritus Philip Zimbardo would say that our paddling time was “present-hedonist” (I prefer the word “pleasure”). The professor has conducted a decade of research on time perspectives. He concluded that our attitude toward time is just as critical as personality traits like optimism or extroversion. In my therapy practice I have observed how different time types has enabled or disabled relationships, work performance and life satisfaction.

Jane Collingwood from PyschCentral http://www.psychcentral.com/ states in her article on “What’s Your Time Perspective?”…

“Ideally, we can learn to shift our attention easily between the past, present and future, and consciously adapt our mindset to any given situation. Learning to switch time perspectives allows us to fully take part in everything we do, whether it’s a relaxed evening enjoying a glass of wine or reminiscing about long-ago events with an old friend.”

She summarizes Zimbardo’s five time types as follows:

  1. The ‘past-negative’ type. You focus on negative personal experiences that still have the power to upset you. This can lead to feelings of bitterness and regret.

  2. The ‘past-positive’ type. You take a nostalgic view of the past, and stay in very close contact with your family. You tend to have happy relationships, but the downside is a cautious, “better safe than sorry” approach which may hold you back.

  3. The ‘present-hedonistic’ type. You are dominated by pleasure-seeking impulses, and are reluctant to postpone feeling good for the sake of greater gain later. You are popular but tend to have a less healthy lifestyle and take more risks.

  4. The ‘present-fatalistic’ type. You aren’t enjoying the present but feel trapped in it, unable to change the inevitability of the future. This sense of powerlessness can lead to anxiety, depression and risk-taking.

  5. The ‘future-focused’ type. You are highly ambitious, focused on goals, and big on making ‘to do’ lists. You tend to feel a nagging sense of urgency that can create stress for yourself and those around you. Your investment in the future can come at the cost of close relationships and recreation time.

Since grad school, I have been aware of how these different approaches to time impact communication, relationships and productivity. Zimbardo’s research points to even more specific ways we can be enabled or disabled by our time type. His five types increase our understanding of how different approaches to time shape our beliefs and behaviors.

Each of the time types shift as we move through life, but if you look closely you will be able to identify a primary and secondary time type that has shaped your journey. Look over the five types and see if you can identify a primary orientation in your life.

  • What is your primary and secondary time type?
  • See if you can identify a family type from your youth.
  • Does your work or family’s time type beat to a different drum?
  • How does your experience of time create strengths and challenges in your life?

Friday, September 4, 2009

"Healing Sounds: Your Mind on Music" 10.8.09

Workshop
Healing Sounds...Your Mind on Music
Date: 10.8.09 Thursday
Time: 6:30 - 8:30 pm
Cost: $35/person

Register or Contact Greg Carpenter at gdcconsulting@comcast.net or call 401.265.2951

Workshop Description: Learn how to use healing sounds and brainwave music for Mental and Spiritual Renewal. Learn how to combat mental fatigue in less than 5 minutes through theta brainwave music!

Topics Covered
-The Function of Brain Waves
-Toning: Healing Vocalizations
-Experience Brainwave Music and Mental Peace
-Reducing Stress/Worry through Music

Location: Positive New Beginnings Wellness Center
873 Waterman Ave East Providence, RI

Instructor's Comments
If you haven't experienced the power of brainwave music for rebooting a tired or anxious mind, then you need to check out this workshop! You will be exposed to one of my top recommended mental rebooting tools. Judicatory leaders, pastors, business executives and psychotherapy clients have all credited brainwave music as a key component to their mind managment tools. Daily use of brainwave music has literally changed my mind.

See blog entry labeled "The Brain"

Thursday, September 3, 2009

New web link for EFT Workshops!

Just wanted to point out a new web link I have posted titled EFT Workshops, Seminars, Trainings and Teleclasses. Here is the description posted on this web site.

"Welcome to the directory of EFT and Energy Psychology workshops, trainings and teleclasses in the USA and around the world. Also included in this directory are workshops in other Energy Psychology techniques, such as Meridian Tapping Techniques (MTT), TAT, TFT, EDxTM, BSFF, ZPoint, WHEE, Seemorg Matrix Work, EmoTrance, and Quick REMAP."

Thanks to fellow tapper Stefan Gonick, we have this web site which serves to list workshops in energy psychology and tapping techniques across the United States and around the world.

I would love to have you attend my workshops. But more importantly, I want you to receive the exciting value of this powerful mind, body & spirit technique. If my dates or locations do not work for you, click on the link and find a workshop that fits into your schedule and location!

EFT Practitioner Training - Part One


Workshop EFT Practitioner Essentials


Date: Saturday October 24, 2009
Time: 9 - 2 pm
Cost: $95
Instructor: Greg Carpenter LMFT
Location: Positive New Beginnings Holistic Center
873 Waterman Ave. East Providence, RI 02914


Workshop Description:
Learn how to use EFT and Meridian Tapping Techniques
*The Discovery Statement
*The Basic Recipe and Setup
*Being Specific
*Aspects
*Borrowing Benefits
*The Need for Persistence
*Demonstrations
*Hands on Practice

Workshop Comments
"What a teacher! (OR WHAT A SKILLED INSTRUCTOR!) Greg's concise and humorous style made EFT instantly accessible and immediately useful. The experience we shared during the workshop was profound. We witnessed the healing powers of EFT and Greg made it a pleasure to learn. Highly recommended. I'd do it again.

Christina Berard, RPh, MEd,
Mind-Body Therapist

Instructor's Comments

With 25 years of experience as a therapist, nothing has energized my practice like EFT over the past five years. I have been working with groups and leading workshops for over twenty years. You will receive valued content, experiential learning and energy from our time together! My goal is for you to experience that "aha!" moment when EFT works in a very deep way. This class will be fun, profound and an opportunity to master personal use and to begin to learn how to use EFT with others. Feel free to contact me for more information.

peace,

Greg

Disclaimer: The presenter feels that these workshops generate extraordinary benefits for all attendees. EFT is a very flexible process and thus the workshops represent the views of the presenter and do not necessarily reflect those of EFT, Gary Craig or the complete, standardized training offered at emofree.com

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

"Thoughts"


As I sit here at Panera's finishing a bowl of Broccoli Cheddar soup (my favorite), I am observing my thoughts as I prepare to write this article.

*"it is a gorgeous sunny day..."
*"you need to get more organized it has been almost two months since your last post"
*"I really do focus better in this environment"

*"how should you begin this article?"
*"I hate how my editing skills stink"


Each one of these thoughts play a primary role in how I feel right now. If I keep playing the negative thoughts over and over in my mind, changes in my body will occur that are consistent with being under threat of physical harm. My hand temperature will drop, heart rate will increase, blood pressure will rise, breathing rate shorter and more rapid, muscle tension increases along with hand perspiration.

Dr. Daniel G. Amen's latest book "Magnificent Mind At Any Age" has some very helpful ideas about the brain, thoughts and perceptions. Folk who let thoughts go unedited lose the ability to embrace their truth. Most of us occasionally have some "automatic negative thoughts" that pop up uninvited. For some folk, the repetitive nature of what Dr. Amen calls ANTS becomes a serious problem as it negatively impacts their physical health, distorts their perceptions and constricts their power to find happiness.

The following is his summary of nine different types of automatic negative thoughts that need to be challenged.

1. Always Thinking: Overgeneralizing a situation and usually starting thoughts with words like always, never, everyone, every time
2. Focusing on the Negative: Preoccupying yourself with what's going wrong in a situation and ignoring everything that could be construed as positive
3. Fortune-Telling: Predicting the future in a negative way.
4. Mind Reading: Arbitrarily believing you know what another person things, even though they have not told you
5. Thinking with Your Feelings: Believing your negative feelings without ever questioning them
6. Guilt Beatings: Thinking with words like should, must, ought, or have to that produce feelings of guilt
7. Labeling: Attaching a negative label to yourself or others
8. Personalization: Allowing innocuous events to take on personal meaning
9. Blame: Blaming other people for the problems in your life


If you find your thoughts fall into one or more of these categories on a persistent basis it is time to employ new thought strategies.

Here are some random quotes that I call "Amenisms."

-"Like a muscle, the thoughts that you exercise become stronger and become the thoughts you rely on and believe, good or bad."
-"Thoughts are powerful...Every cell in your body is affected by every thought you have."
-"Unless you think about your thoughts, they are automatic or "they just happen."....Your thoughts do not always tell the truth."
-"Once you learn about your thoughts, you can choose to think good thoughts and feel good or you can choose to think bad thoughts and feel lousy."
-"When you just think about a negative thought without challenging it, your mind believes it and your body reacts to it."
-"Whenever you notice these ANTs, you need to crush them or they'll ruin your relationship, your self esteem and your personal power."

Dr. Amen suggests questioning ANTs by asking if they are distorted and identifying their type. We can stop the ANTs by talking back or what I call reframing them. Recently, I lost 15 pounds in 8 weeks. But as I stepped on the scale and registered the weight loss, a self defeating thought would pop up and say, "...that's nothing, you need to loose more!" This brand of negative thought is both a "focus on the negative" and a "guilt beating." If I allowed these thoughts to go unchallenged and let them build, you can bet that they outcome wouldn't be to lose weight at a faster rate!

Putting a positive frame around the ANTs, "...15 pounds in eight weeks is a great start!" is one way to stop negative thoughts. I also recommend biolateral and brainwave music (see article here under label of "The Brain") There are other energy psychology techniques like Emotional Freedom Technique that are also highly effective in changing negative thoughts into positive ones.


Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Relationship Problems vs. Difficulties

The other day my recently graduated from High School son and I were “discussing” the merits of working "full time vs. part time" through the summer. We were not exactly on the same page in terms of goals, outcomes and expectations for the summer before he goes off to college. He would state, “Dad, none of my friends work 40 hours a week through the summer! And where am I going to find full time summer work?” David's perception is situation = “difficulty that needs to be lived with.”

My perceptions differ significantly. Situation = "problem has a solution." My "father speak" sounds like a math teacher trying to get a student to apply the proper formula in order to get the correct answer. The result = emotional gridlock.

In family life failing to discern the difference between a "problem to be solved" and a "difficulty that needs to be managed" can lead to the destruction of relationships. Many conflicts emerge because folk are trying to cure something that needs to be managed. Preferring “order” to “spontaneity” isn’t something that needs to be fixed. Trying to get your partner to be more like you only leads to emotional gridlock. But these differences in partners need to be discussed and managed effectively. Ignoring differences can lead to conflict and emotional distance.

A Lutheran pastor and family therapist Kenneth A. Halstead writes in his book “From Stuck To Unstuck: Overcoming Congregational Impasse” about the important assessment of determining whether something is a problem to be solved or a difficulty to be lived with or managed. He draws from the Systemic thinking on family life.

  • A "difficulty" is something we must accept and learn to live with or manage. It is a perpetual issue that never really evaporates, but needs to be addressed without looping and fighting.
  • A "problem" is something that is solvable. Some people love Math because there are clear-cut solutions. Trying to treat your kids or partner like a Math equation usually does little for feeling connected.


Thoughts on Problems
By no means is the following list exhaustive of problems that need to be solved. But hopefully what is listed here will stimulate your own list...

  • A partner’s infidelity is a problem to be solved. Lying and deceit are problems that have clear-cut solutions (stop it!).
  • Addictions are problems to be solved (both for the person in relation to an active addict and for the addict that is in denial).
  • Physical or emotional abuse needs clear bottom line solutions.

Difficulties or perpetual issues never really go away, they require a different response. Like living with Diabetes, there needs to be an ongoing monitoring, checking in and continual adjustment of behaviors and interactions. Like a change in diet, what you take in verbally and emotionally needs to be altered according to changing life cycles and current events. There are cycles in a relationship where differences are muted and create little stress. At key points they can become ingredients for a “perfect storm” (first year of marriage, first child, kids leaving home, etc.). The following is my list of differences or what perpetual issues (Gottman's term) that need to be lived with and managed effectively. They are listed as differences in personality preferences and beliefs.

Perpetual Issues

  • Order vs. Unstructured
  • Feelings vs. Logic
  • Personal Space vs. Togetherness
  • Emotional Intimacy & Sex
  • Financial: Saving vs. Spending
  • Family Ties: Distance vs. Closeness
  • Chores: Structured vs. Bursts of Inspiration
  • Parenting: Self Esteem vs. Consequences
  • Orientation to Time: Punctuality vs. In the Moment
  • Social vs. “Homebody”
  • Secular vs. Spirituality vs. Organized Religion
  • Ambition: Driven vs. Contentment
  • Adventure vs. Stability
  • Other Issues


Understanding whether you are dealing with a problem to be solved or a difficulty that needs greater communication and management is critical to avoiding increasing distance and dissatisfaction in relationships. Managing and communicating about differences and ongoing differences creates greater connection and relational health. Many couples have expressed that life together would have been easier and more fulfilling if they had come in earlier for assistance. If you are encountering serious problems without discovering mutually satisfying solutions, it may be time to get help from a couple’s therapist. If you find you have several ongoing differences or perpetual issues that are creating patterns of conflict, seek outside support.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

The Basic Emotional Freedom Technique Recipe

If you heard Danny Gokey sing during rock week on American Idol, you heard and felt his vibrations as he sang Aerosmith's "Dream On." Vibrations with the correct alignment would be called singing. Vocalizations that are out of alignment get bad reviews. His last note was not in alignment, it sounded more like a disharmonious scream.

Vibrations are another way to talk about our emotional state, sensations in the body ("in the pit of my stomach") thoughts and perceptions.

Your vibration represents your current emotion or the “level” of your mood and feeling about any matter or event. What is great about the way our brain is designed (what Dr. Daniel Amen calls the "hardware of our soul") is that we can create the emotional state or vibration we desire. We can choose our emotional frequency and what we place at the center of our focus.

You can even shift your perceptions and "mental vibration" when stressed by asking a simple question like, "What is great about this?"
Fundamentally, what is most important in our life isn't what happens to us, but how we choose to react to life's events. That doesn't mean what happens is insignificant, but it does mean that in the end external events do not have to ultimately define us.

I have found EFT the easiest and quickest way to change your emotional state, clear out self doubt and to erase bodily tension. The EFT recipe helps you to acknowledge what you are feeling and then move to a place where you can release it. In the Letter to Galatians the characteristics of a higher or spiritual self are described in chapter 5:22. "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness..." NIV

While anger, sadness, guilt, wrath, jealousy etc. are all legitimate and normal emotional reactions. When we linger on these feelings, we see the world differently. It is our perceptions that determines our actions which in the end will determine our destiny. In just two weeks of experiencing increased guilt, sadness, lethargy, anxiety and irritability, biochemical changes take place in the brain that lead to a mild or moderate depression. Just TWO WEEKS!

The world literally looks brighter when you are more appreciative and in alignment with your life's purpose. Mental and emotional states have a strong impact on our cellular systems.

Play along with me and try a little experiment. Visualize and set a deep sense of something positive in your life - it could be watching a sunset or embracing a loved one (or if you are like my friend Terry Wilson - it would be out to sea on his boat). Now swallow, yes I did say swallow. Notice the level of effort it took to swallow. Did it feel easy to accomplish or difficult? Now think of something negative or even focus on a visual image of the word "hate." Now swallow once again. Notice the level of difficulty.

For most of you, unless you are currently stressed or out of sorts, focusing on something negative made it more difficult to swallow. Anyone who has been anxious giving a speech for the first time can relate to this exercise. This little exercise reveals the impact the mind has on the body. Over time thoughts do become things in the form of stress related illness.

Tapping on acupuncture points while focusing on what is bother you is also effective for eliminating fears and limiting beliefs.

So here is the basic instructions..... If you have questions, successes or challenges let me know!

1. Tune into feeling or issue.

2. Rate intensity on scale of 1 to 10 Ex. "5 represent an increasing discomfort but can handle it"

3. Setup: Tap Karate Chop point and say 3 times, "Even though I am really or have this ____(hurt, angry, outraged, "beside myself" etc.) I deeply love and accept myself" or fully accept the love of God. Some folk with a sense of spiritual journey find the latter affirmation more effective.

The Sequence

Say "this _______ (anger, hurt, debt, guilt, grief etc.) and repeat as you tap on each of the following points listed below (except where noted can tap with end of index and middle finger.(For example while tapping on each of the points listed below, "This "financial stress," or "parenting stress.") If you are really tuned into the emotion you can sometimes get the same results by just tapping on the point without the target phrases.


*Tap 7 - 10 times at each point described below

*top of head with open palm
*eye brow EB
*side of your eye SE
*under you eye UE
*under nose UN
*under lower lip UL
*collar bone point (where the neck meets the notch in your collar bone) tap with open palm
*four inches under your arm pit, tap with your open palm.

Take deep breath and notice change in body sensations, feelings or thought.

If 1 or zero stop.

If 2 or higher repeat the Tapping Sequence saying "this remaining problem ________."

Persist until reaching zero or an acceptable level of distress.

Summary
Signs that it is working can be a flush of energy moving through your body, sighing, and a sense of release. For some folk the experience is gentle and others may experience a flood of emotional release. View the Veteran's video for EFT on this site and witness visible shifts. My recommendation for treating childhood trauma is to see a qualified EFT practitioner instead of attempting self treatment.

For a video demo click on the following link My EFT Demo Video

(Disclaimer: These EFT oriented products are provided as a good faith effort to expand the use of EFT in the world. They represent the ideas of EFT Practitioner Greg Carpenter and do not necessarily represent those of EFT Founder Gary Craig or EFT. While EFT has been used by thousands of therapists, nurses, social workers, psychologists, doctors, and individuals worldwide with exceptional results and minimal negative side effects, this does not mean that you will not experience any side effects. If you use EFT on yourself or others, you are advised to take full responsibility for yourself and the treatment.)

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Relationships, Emotional Floods & Tapping

If you are in an intimate relationship you have experienced a moment of "emotional flooding."

Emotional flooding (defined by one researcher as a heart rate over 100 beats per minute) greatly reduces your ability to be present and communicate effectively. It is important to have in your "tool box" a variety of methods for reducing your reactivity when triggered.

Often when I process a moment of emotional flooding through my favorite method and tap on select acupressure points, I get to an underlying memory or negative belief that is fueling my strong reactions. Within a few rounds I can get back to a calmer and less reactive state.

I often tell my clients that a healthy relationship is defined by only one person going crazy at a time. When two shadows are in the room together problems escalate rapidly. Healthier couples seem to understand instinctively that there is only room for one person to "loose it" at a time. They are able to "bystand" their own reactions and make choices about when and how to respond.

I have listed a few "mental rebooting techniques on my website www.energizingthejourney.com

You will find a few of the methods I teach my clients listed under the tab "Mental Rebooting Techniques."

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Relationships and Getting Stuck

Recently old friends from High School tracked me down and invited me to enter into the 21st Century by getting on Facebook. So with some hesitation, I entered into the virtual class reunion experience. In this virtual social space persons lead with their best sense of self (putting their “best foot forward”). It is interesting how contact with folk from your teenage years can awaken “parts or aspects of yourself” that seemed to have disappeared or gone to sleep. Along with our sense of a “best self,” we each possess a “shadow self” full of painful experiences and personal shortcomings.

That is what David Kantor is describing by naming “Gender Types.” These “types are the stories we assert of who we are or want to be as we make our way through society. In his book, “My Lover, Myself: Self Discovery Through Relationships” he writes about mate selection and the journey of marriage.

But I think his types apply to all relationship systems (online or otherwise). The three types are: the Fixer, Survivor and Protector. They are descriptions of the best selves we use to attract people to us. Most of us have one dominant type. But we need the flexibility to draw from all three types to negotiate the developmental mile markers of committed relationships.

These three heroic modes determine our non – thinking/automatic reactions to events. They also shape how we cope with anxiety and function to feel safe in the world. Author, researcher and therapist, David Kantor states that each type has an embedded shadow side that whispers feelings of unlovability and inadequacy. The shadow holds all of our biases, doubts and fears that we project onto people in situations we do not understand. When we are in our shadow selves, we have bumped into painful moments and memories of a perfect love that is beyond our grasp.

1. The Survivor’s bumper sticker is “I endure and overcome.” They carry their pain as if it didn’t exist. They like to feel invulnerable. Survivors are great in a crisis - they have the ability to carry on and adapt to circumstances. Survivors tend to toward the adage of “let sleeping dog’s lie.”

In their shadow, the Survivor goes completely underground. The deepest aspect of their shadow reveals the abandonment of their own self and others. They also abandon their partners when their expression of pain causes them to enter into their own hurt and vulnerability.

2. The Fixer’s bumper sticker is “I will solve the problems and rescue you.” Fixers want to make things all right for themselves and those they love (their vision may extend to the larger world as well). They tend to feel competent to fix whatever is thrown their way. The Fixer makes their loved ones feel safe and protected, because they will see what needs to be done, design a solution, and then follow through.

They respond with power when they descend into their shadow. They focus outwardly and attempt to overcome or conquer elements that they perceive to be the cause of being denied appreciation and love. Sometimes they cross the line from constructive problem solving, to rearranging a situation or a person’s life just to satisfy their need to have something to fix. They feel loved and loving, desired and desiring, when they are changing their environment.

3. The Protector’s bumper sticker is “I will not stand by idly,” experiencing my own suffering, or yours, and pretend it doesn’t exist. The Protector is far more willing to admit personal limits and say, “I cannot go on.” One of their greatest gifts is to identify areas of pain within themselves and others. They are guardians of the heart.

In their shadow, they can become the self-pitying victims. Effort seems pointless. As the shadow deepens, they perceive only weakness and sorrow. They fail to perceive the strength in themselves and others. Deeper into their shadow, the Protector becomes a powerless victim, too weak to overcome oppression. Deeper yet, they become the victim/accuser. Stuck in their status as victim, they can only rail against the injustices of the world. They become vigilant for any evidence of wrongdoing, and so see wrongdoing in many of their partners actions.

To discover your Gender Myth or Type, consider the stories that you tell from your childhood, adolescence and young adulthood. Discuss these types with friends and partners to discover what they perceive to be true.

Are they clustered around…

*your ability to create change or solve problems (fixer)
*do they center in on your ability to endure adversities and difficulties (survivor)
*do you take pride in “being there for folk” and responding to their feelings (protector)

Ideally, we need to be in touch with all three heroic modes within ourselves. To neglect one or another is to divorce our selves from an essential part of our being. However, most of us can tell our primary type by reflecting on what happens when we get stuck and when our issues get triggered.

The automatic response when in the relational storm is often very predictable.

In the shadow…

*Fixers – get more controlling
*Survivors – distance
*Protectors – feel more powerless and victimized

"The Ritual Impasse"

Understanding how you get stuck in significant relationships is important because your shadow stance of becoming more controlling, distancing and feeling more powerless is all about avoiding the earlier pains of life. The shadow seeks to avoid deeper issues that create a state of painful vulnerability. These painful memories cluster around moments of failing to experience the all consuming and perfect love of early childhood. It is these exiled memories and wounds that appear and deepen what Kantor calls the ritual impasse that all relationships experience.

Most couples experience cycles of getting stuck. The depth is often connected to the degree of pain experienced early in life. Another contributing factor is the length and number of disconnecting interactions that occur without the experience of repairing communication. Avoiding that pain in intimate and committed relationships usually deadens the feeling of connection experienced at the beginning. Over time, the dance of connection/disconnection results in greater patterns of stuck behavior (control-frustration, distance-abandonment and victim-powerlessness).

Learning how to talk about your conflicts without harming the relationship and slipping into the shadow behaviors is important for building intimacy and connection. Constant patterns of hostility, condescension, criticism, defensiveness and persistent distancing are signs that your relationship is at a critical point in its need for repair.

Make a commitment to communicate regularly and observe your sense of connection and intimacy. Being committed to staying together isn’t enough. Being committed to growing together through the conflicts is the pivotal decision.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Relationships & Self Discovery

Many years ago, I taught a class at the Brown Learning Community at Brown University. The title was “The Psychology of Marriage and Intimacy.” One of the books used for that class was authored by David Kantor, “My Lover, Myself: Self Discovery Through Relationship.” The other day I ran across my outline for the course and decided to reread his book from 1999. I highly recommend this as an important work about intimacy and relationships.

My entire life has been working with relationships at home or at work. In my role as a spouse, father, son, brother (and on it goes) consultant and therapist I constantly bump into myself as I bump into others perceptions and expectations. Sometimes this "bump" is experienced as bliss, rapture and flow. Other times the bump feels more like "banging your head against the wall." The moment of head banging are less about others and more about my own internal family system of perceptions, judgments and admonitions. When relationships really hurt, I know that my deep shadow "stuff" is at hand. One thing is for certain, relationships are a fertile ground for self-discovery and personal growth.

At dinner parties I sometimes meet folk who ask what I do for a living. The reactions to "psychotherapist" vary, but inevitably I will run into someone who will state in a challenging tone, "I don't believe in therapy!" I smile and gently ask them if they are married or a parent. When they say yes I reply, "You are already in therapy. You just don't know it!"

All significant relationships are a learning laboratory. They will eventually bring to the surface exiled pain from your past hurts (if you are not asleep). But if you allow your relationships to confront your exiled hurts, a deeper healing can occur that isn't likely living in isolation.

Here are some tools for the journey adapted from David Kantor’s “tools and principles for staying on track” and I would add living consciously.


Tools for the Journey

  • The pursuit of being right usually results in being alone.


  • Learn that it isn’t about being right – it about learning to learn.


  • Shift your strategy from attacking to evoking – from changing someone to understanding


  • Shift your strategy from placating and stonewalling to engaging and getting curious.


  • Shift from judgment to being curious (about yourself and others).


  • Avoid blaming – take responsibility for self understanding.


  • Seek not the original cause – it can’t be found.


  • If it is to be found, it is usually within your own internal family system.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

EFT Training Part I




WORKSHOP PROMOTION!





EFT Training Workshop

Feb. 7 on Saturday from 9 am to 1 pm

Cost $95

Location: 873 Waterman St. East Providence, RI

contact Greg Carpenter for registration @
gdcconsulting@comcast.net
or Call #401.265.2951

Learn the Basic Technique and hands on practice with other workshop members.

Also learn about....

  • The Discovery Statement

  • The Basic Recipe and Setup

  • Becoming more specific with problem identification

  • Different Aspects that create disturbances

  • Borrowing Benefits when tapping as a group

  • How to be persistent within the midst of self doubt

  • Live Demonstrations of the EFT technique

  • Personal EFT: Multiple rounds of practice

  • Hands on Practice with workshop participants

  • The Basics of becoming an EFT Practitioner
"EFT is the most effective healing method I have used in my psychotherapy practice in over twenty years. This training is for person who are seeking to increase their EFT skills for their personal use and beginning steps on becoming an EFT Practitioner. Scroll down and click on the video link to the right more information about EFT.

Greg C.

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EFT Defined

"Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) is an emotional, needle free version of acupuncture that is based on new discoveries regarding the connection between your body's subtle energies, your emotions, and your health. EFT has been reported successful in thousands of cases covering a huge range of emotional, health and performance issues. It often works where nothing else will"

from EFT founder Gary Craig's Web Site http://www.emofree.com/